Why Rachel only drinks tea
by Jlargent
Summary: We all know that Rachel loves to drink tea. But what happens if she stops? Rachel Bashing! Read and Review!


**Why Rachel only drinks tea.**

**Written by Jlargent**

_Me: Well here we go with another Blazblue fic! This time I'm taking a stab (Not literally!) at Rachel Alucard.. Now I do not own Blazblue in any shape or form._

"Your tea madam." Valkenhyn R. Hellsing said as he calmly pours his mistress a cup of Earl Gray into the fine china cup that belongs to Rachel Alucard. Rachel calmly picks up the offered cup before taking a brief whiff to take in the smell of the familiar flavor, normally she would sip the hot tea without any word or complaint but today is different from any other day. Rachel frowns and in a action that surprises her faithful servant she pours out the tea and look at her butler with a deadpanned look.

"Valkenhyne what is this?" indicating to the steaming pot of tea that was starting to cool.

Valkenhyn look at her as though she had crossed an invisible line to which there would be no going back "Why that is your Earl Gray tea madam. Is there something the matter?" he asks her.

Rachel looks at her servant with a slight disdain "This tea doesn't taste that good."

Valkenhyn flustered for a moment before answering "My apologies milady, I shall make a batch of Oolong tea instead." and vanished into a black portal of his making. Thirty minuets later a black portal appears revealing Valkenhyn carrying a pot of Oolong tea and pours it into her cup. Rachel takes a drink only to spit it out.

"Valkenhyn this tastes terrible!" Rachel exclaims before turning her head to him.

Valkenhyn frowns for a moment then he gets an idea "Madam I believe that your taste buds are telling you that perhaps you need something other than tea to drink." Valkenhyn spoke gently cutting Rachel off before she takes her anger out on him.

Rachel bit back a comment to think about Valkenhyn's words "Hmm…Valkenhyn when was the last time I drank anything other than tea?" she asks curiously.

Valkenhyn concentrates for a moment before answering honestly "Never, to the best of my knowledge madam." he answers.

Rachel raises an eyebrow at that comment knowing that Valkenhyn has never once lied to her. At least to her face the last person to lie to Rachel was struck by lightning to the point where there would be nothing more than charred remains.

Rachel sighs and closes her eyes "Then perhaps it is time to try." with those words the present company Valkenhyn, Nagao and Gii had to suppress a shudder at their mistress's words.

Substitute 1: Milk

"Perhaps you would feel more comfortable drinking some milk madam." Nagao spoke as Valkenhyn vanished and reappears with a cup of milk. Rachel looks at the offered cup dubiously before taking a sip. Rachel's elegant eyebrow raises in surprise.

"Oh my, this is quite delicious." Rachel says much to her delight and happily drinks the milk offered.

"Where did you get this milk Valkenhyn?" Gii asks Nagao.

"Kokonoe owed me a favor so she handed me her personal stock of milk." Gii said, all of a sudden there was the sound of a teacup breaking. Everyone turns to look at the source to see Rachel surrounded with an ominous aura Nagao and Valkenhyn decided to become scarce and step away from Gii in a rather fast action.

"You mean to tell me that I now owe Kokonoe for the milk?" she growled dangerously and before Gii could utter a response the sky grew dark with thick grey clouds and lightning arcing across them occasionally.

"BADEN, BADEN LILY!" she shouts as a purplish white lightning strikes Gii leaving a smoking crater where he used to be.

"Nagao, I want you to pour out that vile milk and find something else for me to drink." Rachel ordered him. Nagao fearing for his remaining lives rushes off to complete his task.

Substitute 2: Coffee 

One week later Rachel was acting as though she was going through withdrawal and the males of the castle agree that it is worse than her monthly visitor even Ragna the perpetual badass knows better than to mess with Rachel during that time.

Gii showing some signs of intelligence suggested coffee as a possible replacement, so Valkenhyn rushed off to procure a sample for Rachel. She takes a sip of the coffee and squeezed her eyes shut at the bitterness and promptly added large amounts of cream and sugar.

_Moments later…_

"Valkieplaywithmeplease!" Rachel squeals as she runs around Valkenhyn in a blonde blur. The veteran of the first war of magic was clutching his head in pain at the headache his mistress was giving him.

"Gii we are _never _giving madam Rachel coffee ever again." Nagao whispered to his companion who was filming the incident for potential blackmail material.

Final substitute: Sake

"Desperate times calls for desperate measures men. We must find a suitable replacement, otherwise we may find out how bad madam Rachel can really get." Gii spoke to Valkenhyn and Nagao while wearing an army helmet. Rachel was asleep after burning off the excess coffee and sleeping Gii called a meeting and they are now discussing one final solution.

"How about we try some aversion therapy?" Nagao suggested.

"Aversion therapy?" Gii wondered out loud.

" All we need to do is introduce her to something and have her drink it in excess. And she'll have an aversion to it." Valkenhyn explained.

"But what can we use?" Gii asks his two 'subordinates'.

"I suggest some sake. And not the cheap stuff either, I know that Litchi has some premium sake." Nagao said.

Gii nodded "May god have mercy on our souls for madam Rachel shall not if she finds out about this. Do it, and be discreet about it." he commanded Valkenhyn. He nodded as Gii ends the meeting.

"What is this?" Rachel asks Gii as he pours a cup of sake.

"Sake madam. You've been rather stressed as of late so I have take the liberty of providing you something new to drink." Valkenhyn spoke as Rachel takes a sip of the alcohol.

_One hour later._

"Ish it hawt in here or ish is jusht me?" Rachel slurred as she starts tugging at her dress trying to loosen it to cool off.

Valkenhyn turns to Gii and Nagao "Are you certain this is a good idea?" Valkenhyn asks Nagao as Rachel drinks another shot.

"Sure it is! I mean she actually apologized to us for mistreating us! I say we milk this as much as we can." Gii speaks up, they turn their heads to where Rachel is only to see the discarded dress and her nude form running in the rose garden.

"Madam Rachel!" Valkenhyn exclaims and rushes off to save her dignity.

Nagao and Gii sweat dropped at the scene before them "We are going to die when she sobers up aren't we?" Nagao asks his friend.

He nodded solemnly "Yes, yes we are." he says as they take Valkenhyn's lead and chase after the nude heiress who managed to escape Valkenhyn's reach and escape into the castle.

_Meanwhile…_

"Dammit! That rabbit better have a real good reason to bring me here to this dump." Ragna complained as he wandered the halls of Rachel's castle trying to find the elusive blonde rabbit.

"Ragna ish that yoush?" a drunken voice slurred and Ragna turns his head to see a nude Rachel, Ragna quickly turns his head away from her.

"The hell Rachel. Put some clothes on will ya!" Ragna nearly shouted while blushing. He could feel a pair of hands wrap around him and Rachel's nude form press against his back.

"Why? I love yoush soooo mush." Rachel drunkenly spouted as she attempted to turn Ragna's face to hers in an attempt to kiss each other.

Ragna pushes Rachel away "You're drunk Rachel. Besides you're too young for me." Ragna said.

"What if I wasn't?" she asks skeptically as her body became taller and older until she looked like a blonde bombshell that would make men and women have endless wet dreams.

"Am I old enough now Ragna?" her voice has became deeper, more seductive that increases Ragna's arousal as she leads him to away to her bedroom.

_The next morning…_

"Ugh, what happened? And why am I so sore?" Rachel groaned as she raised her head and place a hand on it to soothe the hangover. That's when she noticed it a platinum ring on her ring finger and the presence of a nude male next to her child like form, with hesitation she looks underneath to confirm her suspicions. An ear piercing scream echo throughout the castle.

"NAGAO, GII, VALKENHYN! YOU ARE DEAD!" Rachel's scream vows eternal damnation to them as said perpetrators decided to suddenly take a nice long vacation away from the castle. Preferably a nice beach somewhere remote.

_The end._

_Me: Wow I haven't done a comedy fic in a while so it feels good to mess with the loli rabbit this way. Please read and review._

_As always Hoody Hoo!_


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